Uterus of the Damned

I have often considered blogging about my infertility experience (humbly attempting to follow in the footsteps of my blog idols, Cecily and Akeeyu) but each time I did, I thought, "once I start an infertility blog I'll get pregnant right away and that would just be ridiculous - to start a blog about something that wouldn't last very long." In other words, I knew I was having trouble getting pregnant, but I never really, in my heart, believed I'd get to THIS POINT. Never thought I'd really have enough to talk about in an infertility blog. Oh, but how the joke is on me! (I can hear the proverbial TV laugh track as I'm writing this). Well, what do you know? Here I am. In full glory, after two years of trying to make a baby, one ectopic pregnancy, five failed IUIs and one failed IVF. Denial is no longer an option. I get the prize! I can start an "infertility" blog! I've made the cut! Ribbons and balloons please! No? That's ok, I'll settle for the period I got on Christmas morning (after my first IVF).

Forgive the fertility humor. I'm just full of it these days.

Just so the record is clear - I know I will become a parent - the hows and whens of that most anticipated event are anyone's guess. But the journey to date has been unbelievable. Unbelievable, as in "Holy fuck, I can't believe this shit is happening to me." Unbelievable, as in "My brother and sister are as fertile as weeds; what the hell is wrong with me?" And Unbelievable, as in, "I'm bitter, I'm scared, and I'm so very sad."

I'll post more about me and my husband later, but in the interests of full disclosure, I thought it would be most appropriate to explain the title of this blog. It was essentially stolen from this 1960 sci-fi movie masterpiece. Although I'd seen the movie before (my husband, M, and I are movie buffs and met at a cult/art/indie video store), I rented it recently only days after my truly wonderful RE called to advise that the two lovely blastocysts implanted in me only a week prior had failed to stick around. C'est la vie.

Not only did I love the movie, but I found it strangely comforting in my failed-IVF-grief-funk. In fact, I am going to make watching it number one on my list in progress of "Fun things to do after your IVF cycle bites the dust!" So without giving too much away, the movie really is fantastic viewing for failed IVF'ers. It is as if all that hate and revenge you want to inflict on everyone else for having no infertility problems, who tell you to relax and have a margarita, who do not even try to understand your pain and grief, manifests itself in this movie, albeit in an offbeat manner. So what happens in the move is - all women of pregnant-bearing age strangely fall asleep for a few hours in a small village - then they wake up and soon find out they are pregnant. My favorite scene is when the beautiful young wife of the main character goes to the store to get pickles and the sales woman winks and says "I think there is going to be some news!" And then said beautiful wife goes home with her pickles in tow and gushes to her scientist husband that they are going to have a baby! He is of course overjoyed and asks if beautiful wife needs to sit down. Well ha! Beautiful wife and scientist husband soon learn that their baby is a demon-alien-biological freak who can control people with his mind and cause the destruction of the earth. He is one of several children in the village born on the same day who are the same - blond, scary, demonic, and sinister...their demon eyes even light up when they are causing mischief. It's really very fun to watch - and after a failed IVF- the prospect of demon children taking over the village instead of happy, pretty babies, was really very cool I must say. (So I'm bitter, do you have a problem with that?)

In sum, I highly recommend the movie. It's great. As is its sequel which is a bit more serious and political. But the title of the movie and the subject matter was just too good to pass up for my new blog.

While I'll of course settle for demon children at this point, I am as of now without child and current owner of the Uterus of the Damned.

Oh, and I meant to say, it is very nice to meet you; my name is Angela.