Monday, January 14, 2008

Fun Things to Do After Your IVF Cycle Bites the Dust

I promised you in my initial blog post that I would post a list of fun things to do after a failed IVF cycle. The wait has come to an end. If you should find yourself on the shitty end of the IVF statistical curve, here are some things to do after your IVF cycle bites the dust:

1. We've already covered it. Read about it here.

2. Stop working. Alternatively, pretend like you are working when you are not. Eke out as little productivity as possible - enough to keep you employed but little enough to make you the worst employee of the year.

3. Stop bathing. Even though this will likely offend your husband, thus foreclosing the possibility of sex, which supposedly gets one pregnant, it's strangely comforting. Howard Hughes may have had something there.

4. Start a blog. I'm likin' it.

5. Read this book. It has nothing to do with IVF, ART, or babies.

6. Listen to PJ Harvey. Preferably listen to the songs in which she's REALLY pissed.

7. Watch trashy television A LOT. Like this. Note: This particular piece of advice will only help if you have followed instruction No. 3, above.

8. Eat fast food every night for two weeks, gaining an untold amount of weight, further lowering your odds of a future successful IVF.

9. Take up smoking again, further lowering your odds of a future successful IVF. (Yes I know. It's bad and causes cancer. But I just failed my IVF cycle. So I really don't care at the present moment. I'm currently in a very self-destructive mode and I will not allow anyone to take that away from me damn it. And I do not seriously recommend this particular piece of advice to anyone.)

10. Frantically attempt to locate underwear among the myriad of clothing strewn randomly throughout house for a quick load of laundry after your first bath in a week.

11. Take an unusual interest in politics. Now, the amount of interest required is relative. So, for example, if you are like me, and are a political junkie, this necessitates watching Meet the Press on a constant loop on the television, and then switching to C-Span for a little variety.

12. Wear pajamas exclusively. Change only when husband threatens to throw you out.

13. Drink margaritas with reckless abandon (Hey, I heard somewhere that this can get you pregnant, why didn't I try this before?).

14. Take a short vacation (again, I have heard that this may result in an unplanned pregnancy). This is where I went - Christmas present from hubby. I highly recommend it. Nothing like a little Clinton love to make you forget you just failed your IVF and spent $12,000 for kicks.

15. Watch ESPN. They have a nightly summary of the day's sporting activities, with this really exciting Rocky-type music and some old guy shouts "HE....MIGHT...JUST...GO ...ALL...THE...WAY" a lot. I don't understand a word of it, but like not bathing, I found it strangely comforting.

16. Read this comic strip. Every day. It will make you laugh. And laugh.

17. Watch this. It will make you laugh too.

18. Momentarily consider taking up knitting and then dismiss the idea.

19. Purposely leave your plastic bag filled with used pregnancy tests from your IVF cycle on the floor in your bathroom so you have to step over it every time you have to go pee. For no reason.

20. Start over at No. 1.

9 comments:

lifefromhere said...

great list! I especially like #2, 14 and 17. and I'll switch out some good red wine for margaritas, unless I'm on the beach in mexico (see #14). I also watch movies as a good distraction.

I'll add one more: whack the crap out of inanimate object. no, I'm not a violent person, but when we showed up for a movie 90 mins. early because of a misprint in the paper, the choice was sit quietly with out thoughts, miniature golf or a driving range. the first was out, and I don't golf, but the idea of whacking the crap out of something was oddly appealing. and it felt really really good. ~luna

Denise said...

You are too funny! Thanks for a little dose of humor on a Monday night. I'd like to add to number 6, singing along at the top of your lungs while alone in the car. Or in the middle of a library.

Angela said...

Luna - I can do red wine too : ) Haven't tried the whacking of an inanimate object, but this idea sound simply divine AND useful. How about one of those boxing thingies where you hit it like crazy - like Hillary Swank or Rocky? I think we might need to invest in one...better yet, perhaps we could start a company whereby we sell a customized infertility boxing ball, you know, one that says "Fuck off" and "I hate baby showers" and a place for pictures of people currently giving you grief. Like the girl who told me to have sushi and a margarita after I told her my IVF did not work. She just had twins (naturally) and never said "I'm sorry" or "take care of yourself." No, I just got the email telling me to "Go have some sushi and a margarita! Happy New Year." And you know what? We DESERVE to hit things.

Denise - I love the idea of singing in the middle of a library!!! Although I am a library fan and lover of books, I think a library belongs to us all, and if we want to scream in the middle of a library, we should be able to! And you know, we could plan a simultaneous library-scream - You know, decide on a particular day at a particular time, in our respective cities, and go sing our hearts out. The downside of course is that we would likely not be able to blog anymore, because we would most certainly be sent straight to one of those "mental places." Now that would be inherently wrong, because I'm so NOT crazy. No. Not at all...not one bit...

lifefromhere said...

I love the idea of the i/f boxing ball, that could be very useful. as long as it wasn't too hard, those things are big. I also like the simultaneous scream, if we could do it without getting locked up. yeah, guess I'm a little angry and bitter too.

and about the girl who told you to have (celebrate with) sushi and a margarita, ooh, I don't like her one bit. she'd be on my List of People I Don't Talk To Anymore. which has grown lately.

thanks also for your support. ~luna

Melanie said...

I love your list. The night I got my negative from my first IVF in November I pulled a Greta Garbo...."I just vant to be alone." It lasted 3 hours then we went out for Spanish food and split 3 bottles of red wine. I, too, did not bathe. Came damn close to smoking again!

Grayson said...

Awesome post! You have to come over and we will make you homemade food that's just as delicious as fast food.

Michelle said...

If you have access, a xanax is nice and a hot bath...or hot tub or hot springs...anything hot....

Emma said...

Nice post...

Anna said...

Nice post