Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Clinically Depressed and Happy About It

Yes, it's true. I'm clinically depressed. I received the diagnosis this week. I should not be surprised; the failed IVF in December began a cycle of depression and sadness that kept spiraling. I'm so damned angry, sad, frustrated, lost.

At the same time, I am happy.

I am happy because somehow I found the will to go the doctor and get on medication. Not my first choice for a solution, but living life the way I have the past month is no way to live and certainly no way to be during future fertility treatments.

It's only been a few days, and I'm already feeling hopeful again. I feel like me again. And instead of the distorted thoughts I was having (i.e., "who do I think I am trying to have a baby; I'll be a horrible mom; I can't even take care of myself" and "I'm defective"), I'm thinking of all the things that my husband and I have to look forward to, not just with respect to the family that we will have but because of the life we have chosen together.

I know I'll be a parent. I just can't wait to hold him or her. Time isn't on my side, but love and hope are.

So no more depression for this chic; this is a marathon to the finish and I WILL NOT be defeated.


Tracy said...

I'm glad you were able to get some help....been there, done that.

Way to fight back.

Denise said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better. Welcome back to yourself!

Eva said...

I'm so glad. My infertility got way more bearable once I started on the antidepressants and talk therapy! Still sucked, of course--we're talking gradations. But less suckiness is better than more.

Ally said...

Medication is totally okay in this situation. Depression is a documented anomaly in the body, like any other. You wouldn't tell a diabetic to just go and eat a brownie to get over the diabetes, just like you can't will yourself out of clincial depression. Good for you for taking care of yourself-you are so worth the effort!

Anonymous said...

welcome back angela. I'm glad you sought some help. this whole bit really takes its toll. it's natural to feel down and doubt everything... I hope you're feeling a little better soon. keep on writing as you feel it... and be gentle with yourself. !~luna

anne said...

Hello. I found you via Cecily's comment section - I appreciate your words on the matter of addiction and the judicial system.

I am glad for you that you have gotten on meds to help you. I finally got a script for myself recently after too many years of trying to fix my depression on my own.

I don't have any experience with infertility - or with having children, for that matter - but I wish you all the best in your journey.

Take care.

Melanie said...

I was getting a little worried when you hadn't posted in a few days. So glad that you are feeling a bit better. You took the initiative which is great... Go easy on yourself, xo, Mel

Ms Heathen said...

Hi. I just came over from Luna's.

I am so sorry about your failed cycle.

As Ally has already said, medication is more than OK in this situation. I still remember the relief that I felt the first time that a member of the medical profession told me that I was suffering from clinical depression. I had struggled with severe depression throughout my adolescence, and assumed that I was going to feel that way forever. It was such a release to learn that, not only was there a name for what I felt, but it could also be treated like any other illness.

I am so glad that the darkness is beginning to lift, and that you feel ready to look to the future once more.