that I got a call from my RE's office. I remember the nurse's exact words. "Angela, you're pregnant." Words I had longed to hear, but couldn't actually believe. I cried while on the phone with her. My beta was 46 at 13 DPIUI, which the doctor was happy with, but of course, I was told the doubling time was the important thing (the beta doubled quite nicely a few days later).
On the phone with the nurse, I was given a long list of things I could not do and drugs I could not take. I had never actually enjoyed being restricted so much before. I felt joyous and happy. My husband, M, cried too, and kept looking at me like I was this new woman. He kept rubbing my tummy. I was carrying our child and we were going to have a baby. Due September 16, 2007.
Well, I guess you know where this story goes. September 16 came, but there is no baby. There was only a fetus (was it even a fetus?) for a few weeks, and that fetus grew in the wrong place. So I had to take a cancer drug and terminate the pregnancy. I've never been so devastated in my entire life. I have no funny, or ironic or witty thing to say about it - as I often to do blunt the pain. It was fucking awful, truly awful, and I feel fucking cheated. And I have never felt more alone, or more saddened than I did on the day I found out that I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy.
I have had a long time to get over the pregnancy, the diagnosis of it being ectopic, and the loss. But I'll never forget that one year ago today, that happy, anything-can-happen day, I was going to be a mom. One year later, after four more IUIs and one failed IVF, I'm no closer to that then I was when I took the methotrexate shot.
I know 2007 is over, but I'm still reeling from my ectopic pregnancy and the fact that I don't have a three month old infant in my arms. I'm reeling from my failed IVF in December (a very appropriate end for THE YEAR THAT SUCKED ASS).
I am trying so hard to move forward. It's just that the physics of progression are not working in my favor at the moment. So instead, I'll go backwards...just for a moment..to that one day a year ago today, when it was all amazing.