Saturday, January 5, 2008

It Was One Year Ago Today...

that I got a call from my RE's office. I remember the nurse's exact words. "Angela, you're pregnant." Words I had longed to hear, but couldn't actually believe. I cried while on the phone with her. My beta was 46 at 13 DPIUI, which the doctor was happy with, but of course, I was told the doubling time was the important thing (the beta doubled quite nicely a few days later).

On the phone with the nurse, I was given a long list of things I could not do and drugs I could not take. I had never actually enjoyed being restricted so much before. I felt joyous and happy. My husband, M, cried too, and kept looking at me like I was this new woman. He kept rubbing my tummy. I was carrying our child and we were going to have a baby. Due September 16, 2007.

Well, I guess you know where this story goes. September 16 came, but there is no baby. There was only a fetus (was it even a fetus?) for a few weeks, and that fetus grew in the wrong place. So I had to take a cancer drug and terminate the pregnancy. I've never been so devastated in my entire life. I have no funny, or ironic or witty thing to say about it - as I often to do blunt the pain. It was fucking awful, truly awful, and I feel fucking cheated. And I have never felt more alone, or more saddened than I did on the day I found out that I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy.

I have had a long time to get over the pregnancy, the diagnosis of it being ectopic, and the loss. But I'll never forget that one year ago today, that happy, anything-can-happen day, I was going to be a mom. One year later, after four more IUIs and one failed IVF, I'm no closer to that then I was when I took the methotrexate shot.

I know 2007 is over, but I'm still reeling from my ectopic pregnancy and the fact that I don't have a three month old infant in my arms. I'm reeling from my failed IVF in December (a very appropriate end for THE YEAR THAT SUCKED ASS).

I am trying so hard to move forward. It's just that the physics of progression are not working in my favor at the moment. So instead, I'll go backwards...just for a moment..to that one day a year ago today, when it was all amazing.

4 comments:

lifefromhere said...

2007 was most certainly the year that sucked ass. amazing how much suckiness can be squeezed in to a year, isn't it? (my year began with 2 surgeries followed by 3 or 4 failed iuis and was topped of by a very promising but failed IVF, after a lot of trying and waiting in between...)

those anniversaries are always a crappy reminder of the passage of time. I was just noting how exactly 2 yrs ago I was blissfully pregnant before all hell broke loose...

and I still measure so much by what I've lost... here's hoping 2008 brings us something more, well, better.

~luna (thanks also for your comment earlier)

Melanie said...

That amazing feeling is so hard to hang on to. It's like you only get one time to feel it because, if it's followed by a loss, with subsequent pregnancies you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had 2 miscarriages (then 6 IUI's and and IVF) before I finally got that phone call from the RE's office. I can remember that moment so clearly.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope 2008 doesn't suck so badly...

lifefromhere said...

angela, thanks so much for your comment earlier. I know I commented already, but wanted to say I hope you can find the forward momentum as well...

it's so hard to think about what "should have" been when we're still struggling. I like to think those annivs. will get a little easier when we have real live babies in our arms...

anyway, keep us informed on your next steps. ~luna

Grayson said...

Beautiful post!