Besides being so incredibly excited about Super Tuesday today (Go Hillary and Obama! I don't care who wins I just want a Democrat to win the White House; well, OK I really secretly hope that Obama wins the nomination, but I'm actually very torn because I like Hillary too), things are so, so tough right now. I am buried, swamped, and overwhelmed at work. Did I mention that I am a lawyer? Probably not because most people hate lawyers. (I promise you that I am one of the nice ones). I make a concerted effort not to bring up my profession to most people because I don't think it defines who I am as a person.
Lately, however, my job has been causing major upheaval in my life. While I love the work that I do, it is incredibly hard handling work, enjoying a quality life, and going through infertility. If a client, another lawyer in my firm, or a court says "do this" (and at least one of the three is barking orders at me on any given day), I have to do it, whether I am sick, tired, in pain or going through a rough spot. I cannot call in sick. Supposedly I am allowed to take "vacation," but I never know if I will have to cancel the vacation. Plus I have to meet a crazy billable hour requirement. All of this is causing me an undue amount of stress and I'm questioning whether I should do something else.
Since my IVF failed, I have been working all kinds of crazy hours and have not been taking care of myself mentally or physically. My husband, M, and I are not doing things together because I have been so busy. This is not helping me get pregnant. I keep thinking that tomorrow I will lay off work and work on me and my marriage. But every day seems like a blur of stress, deadlines, and sleeplessness.
In my saner moments, I dream of going to yoga, getting a massage, making an acupuncture appointment, etc. But I have not made any time for me, or for that matter, M. I have taken on too much work. Today is a good example. It is almost 4 am and I will work another 10-12 hours today.
I spent a lot of time getting to this point in my career (well, not the stressful part of it), but you know what? I really believe that I could leave it tomorrow and never look back. I just want a family. I just want to be pregnant. I just want a baby. I really could care less about work right now.
I love working - I do - but not the way I have been. I need to recover the quality in my life. I need to get pregnant. I need to be close to my husband and enjoy my life. It is just not easy to have a quality of life in my profession, but then, it is not easy for any woman who works and deals with infertility and pregnancy and parenting.
I am sure many of you have the same issues. How do we balance work and life?
If you find the answer, let me know, because I would really, really like to know.