Saturday, March 1, 2008

Three Months

Three months.

I wish I were blogging about the first trimester, but no, we do not even know if we will ever get to a first trimester again.

We have decided to push our second IVF back by three months. Specifically, I will start stims three months from today, approximately. We were originally going to try for April, but that came up on me a little too fast (welcome to March already) and I need some more time: time to get the courage up to do IVF again (I'm scared shitless by the way); time to get healthier (more on that later); and time to make a little more money.

I feel so distanced from feeling hope for a baby and from motherhood and from the pursuit of fertility treatments. It all seems, well foreign, to me now. Like some alien universe that I only see on TV. I can only surmise that my unconscious decision to remain stand-offish about motherhood is a protective measure, since I have lived with the ups and downs of trying to conceive for two years (ups and downs include: one pregnancy; termination of pregnancy because it was ectopic; no baby; and a failed IVF).

So it will be interesting, to say the least, to find out what the next three months brings. Will I become less detached in trying for a baby? Will I embrace the process again, only to get my heart broken? I do not know.

I am going for my second IVF but it seems as though I am reaching for some impossible dream.

11 comments:

Denise said...

Glad you are back. Sounds like you are taking a much needed break until your next IVF. Sorry I'm not all that chatty today. Just wanted to stop in and say "hi."

Tracy said...

It all becomes very surreal, I know. Taking the time for you is good...I did that between each of my cycles and it definitely made me stronger and more excited by the time the actual cycle rolled around.

I'm rooting for you!

luna said...

sounds like a break will do some good. glad you have a plan in place, and some time too. ~luna

luna said...

hey angela, just checking in to see how you're doing, maybe you're taking a little blogging break too. hope you're well, or at least as well as possible. ~luna

Denise said...

Just popping in to say hi. Hope you are doing okay.

Anonymous said...

Nice to see you're back, I was hoping to see some good news for you, and yet it seems like once again you and I are in the same spot. With our failed IVF's in February, thinking a second one would be in April...my husband and I are targeting June now, as well. The stress and anxiety of it all became too much and I actually got a prescription of Prozac from my primary doc. I'll let you know if it works. What I need to is drop a few pounds and start exercising to feel good again, it's hard when it's just raining and cold and all I want to do is sit on the couch. You should watch John and Kate plus 8, it makes me feel a lot more appreciative of the fact I didn't end up bearing all 16 embryo's to term. I know only 2 were implanted but still. It will happen for you, you're so young, and so am I. Good luck and hope you enjoy your spring /summer. : )

Shelli said...

Just stopping in to see how you are. Thinking about you.

Anonymous said...

Hi again - Just wanted to stop by, as I was thinking about you. Couple weeks ago I caught that movie that inspired the name of your blog. It was such a bad movie but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Anyway the prozac is a miracle drug, I feel great, I've been running and getting healthy, it's been good to see the sun, and enjoy some warmer weather. I hope you're feeling the same. Don't work too hard, fellow attorney... remember to give yourself some rest that you deserve. Good luck next month.

Andria and Co. said...

Hi there... fellow Austinite. Just found your blog via Lost and Found. :)
I see that you haven't updated your blog in a while... I hope things are looking better for you. (((hugs)))

Arpee said...

Hello fellow Austinite, I also found you at Lost and Found.

I know you have not blogged for some time now but I hope you are doing well.

Anyhow, can you tell me who your wonderful RE is?

Bec said...

Just dropping by to check in on you, hope you are doing okay hon. Am thinking of you xxx