Three Months

Three months.

I wish I were blogging about the first trimester, but no, we do not even know if we will ever get to a first trimester again.

We have decided to push our second IVF back by three months. Specifically, I will start stims three months from today, approximately. We were originally going to try for April, but that came up on me a little too fast (welcome to March already) and I need some more time: time to get the courage up to do IVF again (I'm scared shitless by the way); time to get healthier (more on that later); and time to make a little more money.

I feel so distanced from feeling hope for a baby and from motherhood and from the pursuit of fertility treatments. It all seems, well foreign, to me now. Like some alien universe that I only see on TV. I can only surmise that my unconscious decision to remain stand-offish about motherhood is a protective measure, since I have lived with the ups and downs of trying to conceive for two years (ups and downs include: one pregnancy; termination of pregnancy because it was ectopic; no baby; and a failed IVF).

So it will be interesting, to say the least, to find out what the next three months brings. Will I become less detached in trying for a baby? Will I embrace the process again, only to get my heart broken? I do not know.

I am going for my second IVF but it seems as though I am reaching for some impossible dream.